When the Holidays Feel Heavy
The holidays are supposed to be “the most wonderful time of the year,” right? Lights, laughter, matching pajamas, Christmas playlists, movie marathons, family gatherings, and all the peppermint-flavored things. For most people, this season is magical.
But for some of us, the holidays also come with a heaviness that’s hard to explain.
For me, Christmas changed forever on December 18, 2009, when I lost my mom. We buried her two days before Christmas. And Christmas suddenly felt like a wound instead of a celebration.
Since then, two of my uncles have also passed away in December. And this year, losing my younger cousin has put a fresh layer of grief over a season that already feels fragile. So while I love the holidays, I also understand the bittersweetness that comes with them.
If you’re reading this and nodding your head, you’re not alone.
Holiday Grief Is Real (Even If You Don’t Talk About It Out Loud)
Grief has its own clock, rhythm, and personality. It doesn’t matter that Costco put out Christmas decorations in September. It doesn’t care that you’re “supposed” to be happy because it’s the holidays.
Grief has a way of sneaking up:
When you hear a song your mom loved
When you see an empty chair at the table
When you remember how holidays used to feel
When everyone is laughing, but you feel numb
Or for no reason at all
The world wants joy on a schedule. But grief doesn’t work that way.
And Then There’s Seasonal Depression…
As if grief isn’t enough, the fall/winter months can come with another emotional shift.
Shorter days. Darker evenings at 5 p.m. Cold weather. Less sunlight. More isolation.
Many people experience what’s known as seasonal depression (or Seasonal Affective Disorder).
Even without grief, our bodies and minds can feel:
Tired for no reason
Less motivated
Sad or easily overwhelmed
Disconnected from routine
Withdrawn from social interactions
Irritable or anxious
Put grief and seasonal depression together, and the holidays can feel heavy, complicated, and lonely.
How to Recognize When Someone May Be Struggling
We often assume sadness looks like tears, but sadness can look like silence.
Here are a few signs someone might be hurting:
1. They disconnect from others
Ignoring texts, skipping group chats, opting out of gatherings, not because they don’t care, but because they’re emotionally drained.
2. They say, “I’m fine” too quickly
People with grief become masters at emotional masking.
3. Their energy feels off
Quieter than usual, overwhelmed, or easily irritated.
4. They’re physically present but mentally absent
Zoned out, disengaged, disconnected from the moment.
5. They avoid holiday traditions or conversations
Because continuing them without loved ones feels painful.
If you notice these signs, don’t assume they’re being aloof. They may be trying to hold themselves together.
How to Support Someone Grieving During the Holidays
Support doesn’t have to be dramatic or perfect. What matters is presence.
Here are simple ways to show care:
1. Acknowledge their loss
A text like, “Thinking about you today. I know this time of year can be tough,” goes a long way.
2. Check in proactively
Don’t wait for them to reach out; they probably won’t.
3. Invite, but don’t pressure
Offer space without demanding joy.
4. Help them create new traditions
Grief changes the old ones. Sometimes, the best way forward is to build something new.
5. Give grace
Not everyone will be cheerful. And that’s okay. Small gestures matter. People remember compassion, not perfection.
If You're the One Struggling, Here Are Gentle Ways to Care for Yourself
1. Let yourself feel what you feel
There is no "correct" way to grieve.
2. Limit emotional labor
You don’t have to show up for every event, conversation, or expectation.
3. Get sunlight and fresh air
Even 10–15 minutes can shift your mood.
4. Move your body
Walk, stretch, dance in the kitchen, anything that gets energy moving.
5. Do small things that bring joy
Not forced holiday joy, your joy.
Tea. Music. Reading. Baking. Coloring. Napping.
It all counts.
6. Set emotional boundaries
“No” is a complete sentence.
7. Ask for help
Therapy. Support groups. Trusted friends.
You don’t have to navigate pain alone.
Navigating Holiday Spaces With Love and Compassion
This season can be both beautiful and brutal. You can laugh one minute and cry the next.
You can enjoy the holidays and still miss someone deeply. You can celebrate and grieve simultaneously.
There is room for both joy and sorrow. Room for tradition and change, and room for what is and what was. The holidays don’t have to be perfect to be meaningful. Sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is show up, imperfectly, in love.
You Are Not Alone
If this season feels different, heavier, quieter, there’s nothing wrong with you. Grief is a reflection of deep love. And even through the heaviness, there can still be moments of warmth, connection, and peace. Be gentle with yourself and others. Everyone is carrying something, even if you can’t see it. And if this is your first Christmas without someone you love, my heart is with you. Truly.
I’ll be honest, some years are harder than others. Some years I’m festive and joyful. Some years, I’m irritable and just trying to make it through. Losing my mom in December changed everything. Losing my younger cousin this year adds layers I never expected to carry.
But I remind myself often that grief doesn’t mean the holidays are over forever. It just means they’re different. And “different” can still be meaningful.
